Frequently asked questions

Sex is a hard subject to talk about and yet it is vital that you as teens are aware of the consequences of becoming sexually active and the benefits of saving yourself until marriage.

We've gathered some of the most common questions that teens ask or are afraid to ask and provided straight-forward, no-nonsense answers.

What is sex?

In order to understand how you get a STD, you first must understand what sexual activity is and is not. I’m sure you’re thinking that you already know what sex is, which is, unfortunately, why so many teens are getting STDs. Sex is more than just intercourse. In fact, if we want to be completely medically accurate, sex is any contact in someone else’s underwear zone where skin cells and body fluids can be exchanged. When I say “anything,” I mean if your hands, mouth, or any other part of your body finds its way into someone else’s zone, you are putting yourself at risk for STDs. Some STDs are contracted with just skin-to-skin contact. I can’t stress this enough—don't be fooled into thinking that simply “messing around” will be safe. 

Why is everyone making such a big deal?  Its just sex, right?

Good question. If sex were just the birds and the bees, then I’d have no argument. But it’s not. Sex has many different faces. It affects each person uniquely, on different levels—physically, emotionally, intellectually, socially, and spiritually.

Random sex with random partners puts you at physical risk for pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease, some of which you can have for life—or until the diseases kill you.

Emotionally and intellectually, “just sex” leaves the remains of broken hearts, lost hopes, doubts, and frustrations to cause trouble in any future relationships you might want to have.

Socially? Imagine trying to have a social life with a kid or a disease. Be honest—you’ve seen tons of breakups at your school, right? How do they affect friendships? How many of you can’t wait to hang out with the girl who dismissed your boy? Or with the guy who spread rumors about your BFF?

And finally spiritually—sex works like a glue. The more often you connect yourself to someone and then break the bond, the harder it gets to bond with someone else. Now fast-forward fifteen or so years, when you’ve been repeating this pattern over and over again. Think how hard it will be to keep the bond when it really counts—until death do us part. No wonder 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

What are the most common STDs?

Sad as it may be to know this, STDs are common. In fact, 87% of all diseases reported to the CDC are sexually transmitted. The diseases that are reported most often are Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, HIV, and Hepatitis B.

Here are some other interesting facts:

· STDs are the most common diseases in the United States next to the common cold and flu.

· 1 in 5 Americans are currently infected with an STD.

· 12 million new STD cases are reported each year-that means 33,000 a day.

· 45 million Americans are infected with an incurable STD.

· 63% of all STDs occur in persons less than 25 years of age—that includes teenagers!

· STDs infect 3 million teenagers each year.

How can you get STDs?

The myth of the wet toilet seat is not happenin’, folks. You have to do something sexual in order to contract a sexually transmitted disease. Hear me say this again: You cannot get an STD from a wet toilet seat. You can get a lot of other nasty things, but no STDs. And if you’re going around sitting on wet toilet seats, we have bigger problems than STDs, anyway!

The Five Fluids
Not only does an STD require warmth and moisture for survival, but it also has to be transmitted through one of five fluids:

• Blood
• Saliva
• Semen (boy fluids)
• Vaginal Secretions (girl fluids)
Breast milk (girl fluid)*

*Applies to HIV only

Skin-to-skin contact
There are some diseases, like Herpes and HPV that can be given off in skin cells. That means, that a person can come into contact with Herpes-infected skin cells (don’t forget: it has to be in a place that has lots of warmth and moisture) and contract the disease. Then, there are diseases like Syphilis, that when a person comes in contact with an open sore, they can get the disease.

Do you have to 'go all the way' to be at risk?

What is sex?
In order to understand how you get a STD, you first must understand what sexual activity is and is not. I’m sure you’re thinking that you already know what sex is, which is, unfortunately, why so many teens are getting STDs. Sex is more than just intercourse. In fact, if we want to be completely medically accurate, sex is any contact in someone else’s underwear zone where skin cells and body fluids can be exchanged. When I say “anything,” I mean if your hands, mouth, or any other part of your body finds its way into someone else’s zone, you are putting yourself at risk for STDs. Some STDs are contracted with just skin-to-skin contact. I can’t stress this enough—do be fooled into thinking that simply “messing around” will be safe.

How can you get STDs?
The myth of the wet toilet seat—not happenin’, folks. You have to do something sexual in order to contract a sexually transmitted disease. Hear me say this again: You cannot get an STD from a wet toilet seat. You can get a lot of other nasty things, but no STDs. And if you’re going around sitting on wet toilet seats, we have bigger problems than STDs, anyway!

The Five Fluids
Not only does an STD require warmth and moisture for survival, but it also has to be transmitted through one of five fluids:

Blood
Saliva
Semen
Vaginal Secretions
Breast milk*

*Applies to HIV only

Skin-to-skin contact
There are some diseases, like Herpes and HPV that can be given off in skin cells. That means, that a person can come into contact with Herpes-infected skin cells (don’t forget: it has to be in a place that has lots of warmth and moisture) and contract the disease. Then, there are diseases like Syphilis, that when a person comes in contact with an open sore, they can get the disease.

If condoms don’t always work, why do people say they’re safe?

Good question. The only answer I can come up with is pretty darn insulting—from a health professional standpoint, something is better than nothing. No, we can’t offer any 100% solution, so why not just save some people from the horrors of STDs? This implies that kids can’t control themselves. You’re going to have sex anyway, no matter how much we tell you about the risks (emotional, physical, social, intellectual and spiritual). You don’t have any self control. They think you can’t make healthy decisions, so they throw a condom at you. Instead of encouraging you toward a better, healthier standard of behavior, they give up on you.

I can’t promote anything less than 100% safety for you. If there were a full-body condom that worked to protect you from unwanted pregnancy and STDs, that at the same time protected you from heartbreak, broken relationships, and disappointment, I’d be all over it. I’d become a salesperson for it. But, since the only things scientist have been able to prove about condoms is that they reduce the risk of contracting HIV by up to 85% for both sexes, that they reduce the risk of contracting Gonorrhea in males, and that they reduce the risk of contracting Herpes in females, (that’s in a lab where they don’t have to deal with user mistakes) that’s all I can say.

How do you use a condom “consistently and correctly?"

I could talk about this all day but since we don’t have that much time, here it is in summary. 1) Read all directions and follow them. There was one guy who when asked how many steps there were to putting on a condom, got all cocky and said, “Two—tear open the package and slip it on! Heh, heh!” That made me a little bit nervous about all the girls he was inflicting his “knowledge” on! When we’re talking about the difference between life (creating a new one or losing your own) and death, condoms are no joking matter.

Depending on the type condom, there can be between 7 and 10 steps, but no matter what kind, the first and last steps are always the same—wash hands and genitalia with warm, soapy water (kind of ruins the “mood,” huh?). And that is the limit of what you can control. The next thing you can do is, 2) Try not to make any mistakes—any type of human error decreases their effectiveness. 3) Pray it doesn’t slip or break. 4) Do not flip it over if you put it on inside out—and those are just the tip of the iceberg.

Most condom stats talk about how effective condoms are at preventing pregnancy or STDs. Effective means that, in a lab, with no human involvement or error (no slipping, breaking, etc), a condom will succeed/fail this amount of times. They can’t do studies on humans (who would want to “fail” to use a condom correctly, even in a lab?!), so that’s as good as it gets.

Most stats will list a failure rate of between 15-30% to prevent pregnancy. As for preventing STDs, you might want to know that condoms weren’t even created to do that, it’s just an emergency measure that health professionals are using because, in their minds, it’s better than letting thousands of people suffer the consequences of unwanted pregnancy and STDs. The failure rate for reducing the risk of STD transmission will be different for each disease.

What is the difference between a viral disease and a bacterial one?

Viral
It’s important to know what type of infection you or someone you know may be dealing with, so that the best treatment option can be used. Viral diseases have no cure. We have never been able to cure a virus in the history of the world—not even the common cold.

So, if you contract a viral infection, one of two things can happen. You can get lucky and develop an infection where the infection isn’t strong enough to stick around for any length of time, like the flu. Your body begins to make antibodies to the infection, eventually “swallowing” the infection. The illness goes away, and if you have enough antibodies, you will never develop that type of infection again. Now, when I say that, I don’t mean you’ll never develop the flu again, but you won’t get the same type. Unfortunately, some infections have many different strains. For example, Human Papillomavirus has over 60 different strains of infection.

Or if you’re unlucky, you can develop an infection like Herpes that never goes away. You’ll have periodic outbreaks of symptoms over a lifetime, and each time you don’t have an outbreak, the virus will lay dormant in your spinal cord, waiting for another opportunity to flare up. You and every person you come into sexual contact with will deal with that stuff for the rest of your life.

It is possible to prevent some viral infections if a vaccine is available, but you can’t use the vaccine to cure an infection once you already have it.

Bacterial
Bacterial diseases are curable with antibiotics. If you or your doctor know what to look for and you have visible symptoms, you can get the disease taken care of, pretty quickly. Unfortunately, even if we all did know what to look for, about 80% of girls don’t know they have most bacterial diseases, and almost 50% of guys don’t either. That’s where the trouble starts. Many bacterial infections cause irreversible damage, like Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and infertility as they live in your bodies. So, a disease that should be no big deal becomes a big deal the longer it goes untreated.

What can I do on a date besides have sex?

That’s a great question! If there is one thing that I will always support, it’s the idea of group dating—it’s cheaper, there’s less pressure to hook up or fall in love, and hey! You can date more than one person at a time! But what is there to do that’s fun? Lot’s of stuff. For example:

1. Half of the group goes out and buys 5-10 dollars worth of food at a fast food restaurant. Then you all meet back together, lay it out on a bunch of tables, and just have at it. Then for dessert, get a bunch of buckets of ice cream and a bunch of toppings, give everyone spoons and dig in!

2. This game is called Fugitive. A designated beginning and ending point are established. Half of the group has to dress up in a really dark clothes and try to make their way to the ending point while the other half searches for them in “squad cars” Once they find them, they pick them up, and whoever makes it to the ending spot wins! (In order to avoid scaring the neighbors...do this in an area where you will not disturb other people)

3. Ice cream sculpting. You get the blocks of ice cream (one for each team) and have an ice cream sculpting contest. Very fun and very messy.

4. Have a tournament (boys against girls) doing things like video games, relay races, basketball, etc. Talent is optional, but willingness to be silly is a must. Spend the day doing a variety of contests. The losers have to make dinner for the winners!

5. Video Scavenger hunts...where you divide into teams and have a list of items you have to get on tape. Then go to someone's house to watch them. Or, maybe you can go to a grocery store and have different teams make a commercial...then take them home to be judged maybe by mom or dad!

6. Order pizza and then go out into a field with your friends and enjoy! It sounds simple, but doing an ordinary thing in an unordinary environment is loads of fun!

7. Go out and do normal activities or maybe something fun like hide and go seek—but do it tied (hands, please) to your friends!

8. Pre-purchase items for a backyard BBQ. Talk to your neighbors or family friends and ask them to hold one or two of the ingredients. Then when the group arrives, tell them that they have to go door-to-door for their dinner. Tell your neighbors or friends to ham it up and be difficult for fun!

Take all the fear and frustration out of dating and make it how it is supposed to be—fun and lighthearted. It’ll help you figure out what’s most important—not only to in relationships, but for you, too.

What can I do to make sure I stay abstinent?

Well, you already realize that abstinence has an awesome benefit that will keep you emotionally and physically safe and that’s half the battle. Next, put it in writing. I cannot stress this enough. You need to write it down, or if you want to get fancy, type it out and then sign and date it. This gives you a visual reminder of your commitment on a daily basis. Tell as many people as you want to help you keep your commitment. The more people you tell the more pressure to stay abstinent.

Make a plan! Abstinence is not just a word—it’s a lifestyle! That means you will have to make some changes in the way you live. Where do you go? What do you wear? What movies do you watch? What kind of music do you listen to? What kind of people do you date? Do the people you hang out with encourage you to make good decisions? You need to start asking yourself these questions to determine which areas of your life increase your pressure to have sex. The pressure will always be there—always—it’s up to you to learn how to resist it.

If I've already had sex, can I start over?

Absolutely! Not only is it possible but teens and young adults all over the world have proven that renewed virginity is doable. In fact, if you have begun to ask yourself, “can I start over?“ then you have taken the first step without even realizing it. That means you have already decided that sex outside of marriage isn’t worth the risks. In fact, you believe it so strongly that you no longer want to risk the emotional, mental, and physical pain. Pat yourself on the back—the first step is often the hardest.

What is secondary virginity?

Imagine: our government officials make a law that requires everybody to wear physical proof of their personal worth—a diamond ring. Depending on your level of “contribution to the common good,” your ring can vary from a microscopic chip, to a honking 3 carat solitaire. You wear that ring so that every time you feel like compromising your station in life, you can look at it and remember that others believe in you and there was a time that you believed in yourself. Not everybody wears their rings—and come on, let’s face it, it’s easier not to—no one holds you to any standard, so no one cares if you fail. One day, you throw your ring away. Maybe you’re tired of being the only one around you who wore it. Or curious to find out what it would be like to live without the reminder. Or you were pressured. Maybe you thought you would feel better about yourself if you could get it out of your life. Whatever the reason, the ring is gone.

You live for a while without it and life really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. No one told you that compromising your standards, with or without the reminder, would be so hard to live with. No one told you about the consequences you’d face when you behaved in a way that wasn’t worthy of you. So you go back to that trashcan (they don’t empty trash cans that quickly where you live) and find it, buried at the bottom of the heap. You put it back on your finger, determined to live up to its value, from now on. Does the time that ring spent in the trash make it less valuable? Does the fact that you took it off for a while make you less valuable? Not at all! Your worth doesn’t change no matter what you‘ve done or where you’ve been. If anything, making bad choices and then pulling yourself back together later gives you a leg up on those of us who haven’t seen what you’ve seen. Bad sexual choices don’t exclude you from making healthy, positive change. You’re worth it.

How do I know if I'm really in love?

Hmm…I have no idea. Really. Love is so big that there’s really no way for me to define it that would work. I know what I think of when I hear the word love—Titanic. You know the song, “My Heart Will Go On?” Leonardo DiCaprio manages, in about 48 hrs, to break down all the social barriers (I mean, come on—they weren’t even on the same level of the ship!) to sweep Kate Winslet off her feet and into his arms…sigh…be still, my beating heart!

As heartbreaking and gripping as that story was, I hesitate to believe that it had anything to do with real love. First of all, though we may want to believe that two people from completely different social backgrounds would make it together, doesn’t it say something that the director had one of them DIE before their relationship could ever be tested by time? He didn’t even want to go there, it is so hard!

And how much did they really know about each other? They had major adrenaline rushes (hello, iceberg!), a psycho ex-boyfriend, and some backseat sex…not much of a recipe for long-term marital bliss. It was infatuation, plain and simple. A simple case of “you-make-me-feel-great-and-alive-so-why-not-call-it-love?” syndrome.

Anyway, all kidding aside, in order to get a good idea of what real love is and should be, we have to look past the Hollywood formula to the real deal. The morning breathing, bad attitude sporting, poopy diaper changing, 3am feeding, annoying in-law, time-tested, nitty-gritty of the thing. If you want a really good answer, go find people in a long-standing relationship that you know—your parents, grandparents, whomever and ask them how they do it. Chances are that they’ll tell you that it’s really a learning process. You decide to spend the rest of your life discovering how to love a person. But if you need a formula, try this: you’re in love when your feelings and actions toward another person have nothing to do with conditions. This means that you’ll never say, “I love you if...”, but instead will say, “I love you (period).”